What is the primary reason why children raised by one parent do not do as well as children raised by two parents on average?

Central and South American countries, with a long history of consensual unions, lead the world in rates of cohabitation (living together without being married) and non-marital childbearing. For instance, in Peru (2012), 38 percent of adults of reproductive age were cohabiting, and in Colombia (2009-10), 84 percent of births were to unmarried women. Europe has the next highest rates of cohabitation and non-marital fertility in the world. For example, 26 percent of adults of reproductive age were cohabiting in France, and 56 percent of all live births were to unmarried women (2011). Cohabitation and non-marital childbearing rates are more moderate in the United States by comparison, where nine percent of adults were cohabiting in 2010 and 41 percent of births were to unmarried women in 2011.

In the U.S., studies have shown that children born to unmarried women and raised with cohabiting parents generally have poorer educational, health, and social behavioral outcomes. Since cohabiting unions tend to be less stable, there is a tendency for poorer relationships between parents, poorer parenting skills, more relationship turbulence, more economic hardship and more stress than among married couples. These negative consequences of cohabitation do not necessarily translate to children from cohabiting partnerships in Europe, where cohabitation often looks very different. For example, laws in Scandinavian countries give unmarried dads the same rights and responsibilities as married dads in the U.S. (including child support), and in both France and Sweden, which have the highest rates of non-marital childbearing and cohabitation in Europe, they also have the highest percent of GDP spent on family benefits, such as child payments and allowances, parental leave benefits, and child care support, easing the burden on unmarried moms.

Children raised by single mothers are more likely to fare worse on a number of dimensions, including their school achievement, their social and emotional development, their health and their success in the labor market. They are at greater risk of parental abuse and neglect (especially from live-in boyfriends who are not their biological fathers), more likely to become teen parents and less likely to graduate from high school or college.[i]  Not all children raised in single parent families suffer these adverse outcomes; it is simply that the risks are greater for them.

Why are the children of divorced or unwed parents at greater risk of experiencing poor outcomes? There are a number of possibilities.

One possibility is that children in two parent families do better because of the increased resources available to them. Single parents only have one income coming into the house. On top of that, single parents often have to spend a greater proportion of their income on child care because they do not have a co-parent to stay home with the child while they work. Even beyond having more income, two parents also have more time to spend with the child. A recent study by Richard Reeves and Kimberly Howard finds that parenting skills vary across demographic groups and that forty-four percent of single mothers fall into the weakest category and only 3 percent in the strongest category.

The weak parenting skills found among single parents in the study may be related not only to the lack of a second parent, but to a lack of income and education as well. Education, in particular, stands out as the most critical factor in explaining poor parenting. But it is not clear that we should look at these variables in isolation from one another. In real life, compared to married parents, single parents tend to be poorer (because there is not a second earner in the family) and less well-educated (in part because early childbearing interrupts or discourages education), and this is what matters for their children. 

Another possibility is that children born to unmarried mothers face more instability in family structure and that this instability results in worse outcomes for the child. In recent years, the focus of social science research has been less on the absence of a father and more on how family instability affects children. In fact, stable single-parent families in which a child does not experience the constant comings and goings of new boyfriends (or girlfriends) or the addition of new half siblings have begun to look like a better environment than “musical” parenthood.[ii]

Lastly, any discussion of the impacts of single parenthood must take into account selection effects. Single parents may be more likely to have other traits (unrelated to their marital status) that cause their children to have worse outcomes than children raised in two-parent homes. It may not be the divorce or unwed birth that causes the problem but instead the underlying personal attributes, mental health or competencies that produce both a broken family and worse outcomes for the child.

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Children who end up in a single parent family as the result of the death of one parent do not have the same poor outcomes as children raised by single parents due to a divorce or out of wedlock birth. This may be because death, unlike divorce or out-of-wedlock childbearing, is more likely to be a random event, not connected to the attributes or temperaments of the parents. The lesser disadvantages for children ending up in a single parent family as the result of the death of one parent may reflect this fact and point to the importance of taking unobserved attributes, temperaments or behaviors into account when talking about the consequences of single parenthood for children.

[i] McLanahan and Sandefur, Growing up with a Single Parent; Jane Waldfogel, Terry-Ann Craigie, and Jeanne Brooks-Gunn. “Fragile families and child wellbeing.”The Future of children (2010), p. 87.

[ii] Waldfogel, Craigie, and Brooks-Gunn, “Fragile families and child wellbeing.”

Children do well when they have parenting that’s nurturing, warm, sensitive, responsive and flexible. This is regardless of how many parents they have in their lives.

And regardless of your family arrangements, you can help your child grow and develop well by:

• thinking about how to meet your child’s needs
• staying calm and managing your own emotions and responses
• getting information that helps you feel confident about parenting
• getting support from family and friends.

If you’re single parenting because of separation or divorce, it’s important to make sure your child knows that both their parents still love them and that the separation isn’t your child’s fault.

Building positive relationships with children as a single parent

A positive relationship with you will help your child feel secure and loved. This can help them cope with any changes in your family situation. A positive relationship will help you feel good too.

Here are ways you can nurture your relationship with your child.

Make the most of everyday moments
Quality time with your child can happen anytime and anywhere. You can talk while cooking or eating dinner together. You can play word games on the bus, have a singalong in the car, or tell funny stories at bedtime.

Show interest
You can do this in many ways. For example:

• Talk about your child’s favourite things, from sport to music to books to how things work.
• Get your child to show you their favourite app or teach you to play their favourite game.
• Try to get to school performances or sporting events.

Give your child positive attention
Positive attention is responding to your child with warmth and interest. It can be as simple as smiling, laughing or hugging your child as often as you can. You can also show your child that you’re happy to see them first thing in the morning and when they come home from child care, kindergarten or school.

Make one-on-one time
If you have more than one child, try to make some regular time alone with each child. It could be a book before bed with a younger child or a quiet game with an older child when the younger ones are asleep.

Praise is when you tell your child that you like what they’re doing or how they’re behaving. It’s a great way to strengthen your relationship and help your child feel good about themselves. It can also encourage positive behaviour.

Encouraging positive behaviour when you’re a single parent

Clear rules, limits and boundaries will encourage your child to behave in positive ways.

This approach is good for other reasons too. It helps your child feel safe and secure, and it helps you behave consistently towards your child. And when your child feels safe and has consistency from you, it can help them cope with other changes in their lives.

Here are some ideas for encouraging positive behaviour and helping your child feel safe and secure.

Set clear rules
Talk with your child about the family rules and consequences that apply when they’re with you. Family rules are positive statements about how you want to behave towards each other. Rules can help everyone in your family get along better and make your family life more positive and peaceful. It’s OK if your rules are different from those of your child’s other parent.

Try to be consistent
If your family has experienced a separation or other major change, you might feel reluctant to follow through on rules and consequences. You might feel that your child has been through enough. But if you guide your child’s behaviour in a consistent way, it sends the message that some things, like the rules, don’t change. This not only encourages positive behaviour, but it also gives your child the security and consistency they need.

Use routines
Routines encourage positive behaviour because they make it clear who should do what, when, in what order and how often. They also help family life run smoothly. This can give you more time for doing enjoyable things with your child, which is good for your relationship and your child’s wellbeing.

Tune in to feelings
Your child might be feeling some strong emotions, like frustration, anger, shame or grief. Helping your child understand and manage their emotions can be a way of guiding them towards positive behaviour.

And if your child is sometimes overwhelmed by their emotions, you can help them calm down. Try time-in for toddlers, calming down steps for children, and calming down steps for pre-teens and teenagers.

If you’re single parenting because of a recent separation, you might see some difficult behaviour from your child. For example, some children might have more tantrums or argue more often. If you’re worried about your child’s behaviour, a good first step is speaking to your child’s GP, child and family health nurse or educator.

Being kind to yourself

As a single parent, you might sometimes be hard on yourself. You might compare yourself to other parents and judge yourself harshly. Self-compassion is about being kind to yourself and remembering that you’re doing your best, even when things aren’t going to plan.

Self-compassion supports your mental health and wellbeing. It helps you feel less stressed and anxious so that you’re better able to give your child what they need to grow and develop well.

Self-compassion starts with noticing your feelings. If you’re being hard on yourself, the next step is to remind yourself that raising children is a big job. It’s OK to find it hard and need help. The last step is just to say something kind to yourself, like ‘Other parents find this hard too – I’m not alone’.

If you’re finding it difficult to be kind to yourself, it’s a good idea to speak to your GP. They can refer you to support services.

As a single parent, your positive attitude, strength and determination can give your child an example that lasts for life. You can show your child that you can keep going – even when things are difficult.

Handling your feelings and grown-up issues

Parents in all families can feel sad, angry or upset in times of stress. When this happens, it’s important to let your child know that you love them and that your feelings and reactions are not about them. It’s also good to reassure your child that things will get better, that you have people who can support you, and that you’ll be there for them.

If your child is old enough to understand, try being clear, direct and honest about what’s bothering you, but without too much detail. For example, ‘I had a bad day at work today. I’m in a grumpy mood’. Expressing your feelings helps children learn to express their own.

As a general rule, keep grown-up issues out of discussions with your child. Adult problems – like financial concerns, relationship problems or conflict with your child’s other parent – can make children feel very anxious. It’s best to use your own support network.

Looking after yourself

When you’re focused on looking after a child, you might forget or run out of time to look after yourself. But looking after yourself physically, mentally and emotionally is good for you and good for your children.

An essential part of looking after yourself as a single parent is getting support. It’s a good idea to think about who you can call on for help when you need it, and what types of support the people around you can offer. It might be practical help with day-to-day tasks, emotional support for you, or information and advice.

There are many services that support parents and families. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the demands of caring for your child, a parenting helpline is a great place to start. If you need to talk to someone urgently, call Lifeline on 131 114.